A New Long Count

I have been on this freight train ride barreling down the track since March.   That is when I started school.  As this is an accelerated program there has not been one single day off since…until this week.   I now have three in total.   I realized yesterday, on my second day of utter freedom that I was feeling a bit directionless.  There was no research to do, no paper to write and no textbook to read.  I realized I had put myself on a hamster wheel and now feel dizzy getting off.  I have another year left to complete phase I.  Phase II will not be tackled with such fury.   All this got me wondering about life and the road I am taking.  And since the end of time…Mayan time, is a few days away I thought I would delve a bit more. 

On a side note, I had intended to take the 21^st off…just in case.  I certainly do NOT wish to be at work dealing with an even bigger disaster than has been present there for months now.  I would much rather be in my own peaceful space if fireballs rain from the sky.  Through a not-so-well-thought-out exchange, I find myself working that day.  On a positive note I did find out there is a tunnel under the hospital.  I just have to find out where it is.   I do plan on bringing with me my “bug out bag”.  That is as much thought and prep as I have put into this.  I do have my alarm on my phone set and I will be standing outside at the time of the solstice.  If all hell breaks loose then I don’t plan on staying at work.  Who cares, right?

So back to life; I have recently paid more attention to those tragedies in which someone has just found they have very little time left to live.   You see them a lot in my business.  Some make you think about what is important to you and about those who surround you.   I’ve been doing a little housekeeping, sweeping negativity out the door.  I have not been as successful at work.  I find myself rather repeating a past in which only the circumstances are different.  Money seems to be the wrecking ball tearing at the foundation of my workplace.  Staffing is tight already and positions have been hacked to the bone.  Many are leaving in groups because they are seeking better environments. 

The immediate fallout is that people are really angry.  They are being asked to perform a job to a certain standard and to do it safely.  They are in fact being held accountable for it.  Only that is a rather a large overburden.   The stress is causing sickness and call outs that leave it even more taxed.   My job is to manage this huge pile of dung left to the weekends.   So I have to say, “I have tried to fix it and I can’t.”  They say, “We don’t care.  We cannot operate this way.  Fix it!”  I say, “I do not have the power to do that.”  Anger gets vented vigorously my way.   They call administration and administration calls me.  They say, “Fix it.”  I say, “I can’t.”   More stuff hurled in my direction.  

I had hopes that this place would be better.  Indeed the fact that there are no rats (other than human) is a huge improvement.  I know the grass is no greener across town either.  The career position I find myself in currently has in large part been the impetus for taking that freight train ride.  I need options and I need them quickly.  I found after coming here that the position I hold is a terminal one.  No one gets promoted out of it.  The reverse is true actually.  You get demoted to some obscure out of the way corner of the institution.  It is to say the least an interesting culture.   I personally plan to stick it out a bit longer so long as they are paying the bulk of my education.  That said, I do have an appointment in January with a career planner. 

All this has caused me a hard look at my career struggles and at myself.  I am too much a maverick to be saddled down by norms.   I am not the institutionalized sort.  I am a round peg trying to conform to a world of square holes.   There is no space in this culture for someone like me.  I know I need to be creative and forward thinking in order to find what fits me.  I think I have a good idea but it requires accomplishing phase II first.  Phase I gives me opportunities.   Phase II gives me what I am seeking.  There is a new field within nursing that exists as a direct result of the HITECH act (thank you W!).   I am positioning myself to be in the right place at the right time.   Then again if technology ceases to function in two days time I guess I will have to consider something else entirely. 

So in the meantime I will focus on being kind to others.   I will make sure those I love and cherish know that I do.   I will try to be a positive influence in the world that touches me.  I will continue to dream lofty dreams and let go of any leftover regrets or of anger or disappointments.  That is how I want to go out…be it Friday or next week or hopefully three or for decades from now.   And if all goes to plan I shall go as the humanist Ashley Montagu suggested; dying young as late as possible.   See you all on the other side and into the “new” long count.