bully

who hasn’t encountered the bully?  i survived the grade school bullies.  i even managed to get past a teacher in 3rd grade who shamed me in front of the class for my lack of language skill in an institution where only spanish and hebrew were spoken.  yeah a blond haired tanned california kid found herself quite suddenly uprooted in a foreign place. this teacher tapped my frustration and if i dared cry she rocked me on her lap like an infant in front of the class.  

generally the bullies who used physical threat didn’t bother me.  i stood up to them.  i am not a fighter and have often come out on the losing end. but i never once backed down.  before leaving california (at the age of eight) i acquired an impressive bloody nose when the much older sibling of a hispanic girl took exception when i refused to yield my spot on the merry-go-round to her sister.  that was in griffith park and adult bystanders did nothing but pass me napkins from their picnic lunches and watch as i made my way to where my oblivious parents were. 

growing up one of the harder things to adjust to was cultural bias.  i was a gringa, a foreigner.  i adapted.  i learned the language and perfected the accent and the idioms peculiar to the various regions.  i also learned the cultural nuances.  i did it to show respect and i did it to fit in. bullies exploit weakness so i removed the obvious ones.  funny because when i returned to the united states seven years later it was awkward.  i had become a foreigner in my own country.  i again set about fitting into this new place.  it is something i do well and it is something i am not afraid of.  

what is unexpected is that bullies exist in adult form.  yeah i am not talking about the weak minded simpletons who think they have power and attempt to make your life uncomfortable.  i know.  i complained about the former XO (executive officer) on that not really a ship in that not really a navy that i wrote about often on a particular blog of the past.  that person tried to bully.  yes she messed with my job constantly but i read her easily and parlayed each move.  in the end i left on my own terms and achieved the respect of my immediate superior.  she (the XO) ended up with a demotion in rank and transfer to the boiler room.  

i am also not talking about the lowest primeval knuckle dragging form who abuses children, the elderly and/or spouses.  i have a particular loathing of those types.  i am talking that most insidious cunning bully of all.  the one who uses psychological intimidation, humiliation and embarrassment to gain a power imbalance.  i say insidious because at first i did not recognize it for what it was.  being an intelligent open minded thinking individual i chose at first to accept the criticism in the spirit of self evaluation and self improvement.  a few weeks ago both my intelligence and my ability to perform my job functions were challenged.  for the first time since 3rd grade i was sat on a lap and rocked in front of the class. 

i went to my professional mentor and we formulated a strategy for improving what was becoming clear was more a perception problem...how others may be seeing me.  how this perception became skewed i can only assume...but i have an idea now.  shortly after this my school academic advisor and i were chatting by phone.  off the cuff she called me a genius.  I thanked her for the compliment and she said, “no, you really are.” and she proceeded to explain why she thought so.  i felt the scales of self doubt begin to tip the other way.  

the next and most recent encounter with the bully came right after this.  i am paid for my expert skills and to keep order of the chaos that occurs naturally in this business.  one day recently i intervened when a visitor became violent and threatening.  not only was i worried about my own safety but others around me were looking to me to do something about it.  i set limits and told this person the consequence if the behavior did not stop.  it did stop.  done.  i went back to taking care of the emergency i had been called for.  the visitor later complained in a letter and weeks later here i am being called into the bully's office and grilled about what i did wrong.  

my size, stature and height have always been an issue and a focus for this person...even when i interviewed for this job i was questioned about it.  it is uncomfortable.  now i was being asked repeatedly to explain why “because of my size” had i felt threatened by the visitor?  i was told i should have ignored the behavior and allowed it to continue.  yes, the bully really was telling me that i should have taken the hit.  the lecture went on, expanding on the belief that one should never press charges when violence is committed against a staff member in the workplace and that "the ED folks are just jaded." (meaning i was jaded.)  i am not sure why that piece came up actually but it was very revealing as to the opinion on staff safety.    

I was asked to tick off ways in which i should have handled the situation differently.  i said i was well trained in crisis prevention.  i explained that the situation was escalating.  i said that i absolutely would not have done anything different. this was not well received and in fact i was asked the same thing over and over until another tact was employed.  now my clinical skills became the focus and my judgement picked away at.  funny, the thing i am most expert in was what was being challenged, “i’m not trying to be an armchair quarterback here but...”  

that is when i realized just how ludicrous this all was.  i was being chastised for my clinical expertise.  the nutcracker for me was when this person began to criticized my actions weeks prior when i quite literally saved the life of a visitor in the lobby.  i saved this person from hemorrhaging to death.  i had no equipment and no help but according to the bully i was not fast enough.  every attempt was made to hack at something where they had no firsthand knowledge.  i saw quite clearly for the first time that i was being made out to be the bumbling incompetent... or perhaps that is what the bully hoped i would feel.  

WOW.

just WOW.        

i left shaking my head...nearly laughing in disbelief.  bulbs popped and flashed in my head like those of old fashioned camera flashes.  i realized that this was nothing more than an attempt at humiliating me.  the really amusing thing was that i wasn’t called in for any formal action.  i wasn’t written up or reprimanded or discharged.  i was called in to be dressed down.  interesting.  

these are indications of social bullying according to "facts about bullying" by http://bullyfree.com:

• destroying and manipulating relationships (turning others against you)
• destroying status within a peer group
• destroying reputations
• humiliation and embarrassment
• intimidation   

sadly the reality is that i can’t do anything about this.  i can’t change this person or how they view me personally and professionally.  i do not have faith in the corporate safeguards that are set in place to protect me from just such a thing.  i stood up to my bully.  i did so in a professional manner.  i did not show disrespect in any way.  and with that i left the office and put in for a transfer.  i love my current position.  with the rigors and priorities of school i think it wiser at this point to change my position. in any case it is no longer tolerable.  so now i shall go about and focus on the things that i can control.  

yet another life lesson learned...