clean as a whistle

i suppose more to amuse myself than anything.  that and i am rather a captive for the next day and a half...i will write.  yes i am going to write about this little odyssey which really is on the order of TMI.  but in any case write i will.   not sure i will publish it but my hesitation to even venture on this journey for obvious reasons may just encourage another to do the same.  i have reached that undeniable age when certain examinations and tests are required screenings to maintain good health.  *sigh*  i made a commitment to myself to do this.  so i am.  *sigh*  tomorrow i am scheduled for a colonoscopy.  today i am doing the dreaded prep.  

*sigh*

the prep...  the prep has actually gotten easier to swallow (pun intended) though no less brutal.  it first requires starving oneself.  i am allowed clear liquids but nothing that is purple, blue or red.  hell...  so grape, cherry and blueberry stuff is out.  *whines*  i reeeeally like grape.  ...but i am griping here.  along with this yummy fare is an 8 oz bottle of miraLAX that is ingested over a period of 6 hours.  note that this is normally a 14 day supply of laxative!

my prep...  having been warned by others i have prepared (pun again intended.)  I went to the grocery store this morning and bought green and orange gatorade, popsicles, juice, tea and broth.  mmmmmmm!  *drips with sarcasm*  i stocked the restroom with magazines, gatorade, room deodorizer, butt wipes, extra toilet paper and just in case it is needed, boudreaux's butt paste.  i also took the precaution to clothe myself in warm-up pants that require no fumbling with zippers or buttons for soon to be obvious reasons.   

*points to head* smaaaaat!

the prep went exactly as expected except that to my arsenal i found it necessary to add a“panty liner" positioned a bit more strategically.  being a woman i was fortunate to have them on hand.  the great torture of this exercise though was the not eating.  i don't care how much chicken broth and tea you ingest nothing staves the hunger.  that and the fact that all that liquid is almost immediately lost anyway...  

perhaps the greatest misery for me was actually the bone cold chills.  apparently this can happen with the prep.  I could not get warm no matter what i tried.  I took two steamy hot showers during this“preparation”dressed in layers and laid under a blanket.  nothing... i could not even elicit a teeny little hot flash!  the frequent 50 yard dashes did at least get me moving (pun intended) but even so i remained chilled.

it turns out that the butt wipes are a bad idea...VERY BAD!  it seems that much expulsion soon becomes a liquid fire.  to cleanse with these wipes is like pouring acid on already raw abused tissue.  dabbing with a soft toilet paper and cleansing with a mild soap and wet wash cloth worked best.   and whomever formulated the aforementioned boudreaux's is a damn genius in my book.  it happened was my ahhhhhhhhh relief.  

******************

the next morning found me cranky and headachy from lack of food.  i was also extremely anxious.  i think it was modesty more than the test itself that messed me up.  begrudgingly i made one foot move in front of the other and headed out to my appointment.   forget the make-up or the stylish clothes one might ordinarily wear out...these people are gonna be staring at my ass anyway.   warm-up pants, a t-shirt and ball cap were in order here.

on arrival i was taken into a cozy private room.  it was just me and the procedure nurse.   she had me change, took a history, took my vital signs and started an iv.  many assurances were offered and truly she was gentle and reassuring and wonderful.  soon i was rolled into the dreaded room.  introductions were made and i was asked to lay on my left side.  i was horrified when i felt sudden cold air on my quite naked ass and realized they had uncovered me.  at this most humbling point (i assure you) i asked if they could please give me the drugs first so i wouldnt give a damn about my raw exposure.  they did...and i didnt anymore.  

one of the drugs besides being sedating is an amnesic.  i remember only one part of the exam at apparently sharp turn in my bowel (transverse colon) which elicited even through the drug induced haze an“oh holy mary mother of god i feel that!” there was a brief explanation about females being more curvy than men (i could not agree more and i am pretty sure i smirked at that.) and the next i remember was being wheeled to the recovery area.  all i know is that i slept.  at some point the physician came in and gave me the all clear before i was given discharge instructions, wheeled out to the car and sent home.  

at this point ones bowel is quite irritated and gassy.  (i believe they pump in air during the procedure but i really don't know...i was knocked out.)  while normally a polite gas passer i had no inhibitions left at this point...i mean my ass had been up in the air and invaded by strangers so whats the difference?  BIG MISTAKE...BIG...HUGE!  the first realization was that it wasn't gas at all.  the second panic filled realization was that i was sitting on expensive leather car seats!  take my word for it...the last thing you feel like doing when happily high on drugs is cleaning and lysoling a leather seat.

i spent the rest of the day sleeping off the effects of the drugs and eating at will.  despite the starvation the mild discomfort, the freezing cold, the embarrassment and in  particular the soiling of ones britches...the experience overall was positive.  i came out of it with a clean bill of health.  my mother died of colon cancer 6 years ago so it had been a niggling worry for me till now.   the relief of knowing truly is worth the exercise.  

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003886.htm